"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

"If you have to tell them who you are, you aren't anybody."

"To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat."

"Why does mineral water that '"has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a, "use by" date?"

"My wife's father said if you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow. I'm still waiting for the three acres."

"My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them."

"The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

“They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.”

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier."

"No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing."

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."